Gian catches up with Berlusconi

While AC Milan are touring the US, our very own host has managed to snag a one on one exclusive interview with our very own Silvio Berlusconi as he accompanies the squad on their whistle stop tour!

The following is an imagining of an interview that could have taken place, please note that this is an interview with El Presidente so if you are lilly livered or you easily take offence then please skip!

Gianfranco: Thanks for the taking the time out to include the AC Milan Offside on your interview World Tour, I imagine you are going through a PR nightmare with your last sell, don’t sell debacle.

Berlusconi: Let me start by saying thanks and whenever I have some free time I try to check the pulse of the worlds Milanista by reading your blog. I tell you what Gianfranco, I thought being PM was a high pressure job but its good to see that you also have a problem keeping everyone happy (laughs). We originally bought Ibra at the last minute when we least expected him to be on the market. I would say his time at Milan has been successful, he won a scudetto in his 1st season and he was Serie A’s highest scoring player in the 2nd. Selling him and Silva had to be done as the amount of money offered will now never be repeated due to FFP. I knew people would be angry but just think if I’d kept both players and in 2-3 seasons time your readers realised how much money I’d passed on they would have had me impeached! (laughs)

Gianfranco: Fans can’t seem to understand or appreciate your contribution to the Club and where we are today, can you shed some light on that?

Berlusconi: People seem to forget where I found this club. It was on a precipice, on the brink. They also seem to have forgotten where I was born, it was Milano of course, the centre of Europe! The most stylish city in the world! It was no accident that I chose to buy this club. If I had wanted only prestige I could have easily chosen any club in the world to buy, Madrid, Barcelona or Manchester United but I had to buy the club of my home town and raise it up off its knees. It was a risk that was overruled by my passion and love for my home town. Milan is known around the world for fashion, business and beautiful woman. I wanted to ensure we were also known for football and would find it hard not to laugh in the face of the person who says this is now not the case no matter how pretty she is!

Gianfranco: Fans are asking for foreign investment, do you have any more wealthy oil tycoon friends now that Gadaffi has passed on?

Berlusconi: If people are desperate that they want me to sell the club after so long then would they object to me leaving the club how I found it first? This club is very much a personal love. I’m not some tanned Arab who knows nothing of football. I have put vast sums into the club and its never money I expect to get back because I say again Gianfranco, this is a personal love of mine. What do they want? That I sell to my friends in the mafia?? Gadaffi offered to buy into Milan but I thought he was better suited to a more sinister outfit hence I linked him up with Juventus and the Agnellis. Where else do you think they got the money for their stadium from?(laughs)

Gianfranco: Fans say you are too busy worrying about becoming Prime Minister again and not caring about Milan. Worse, they say you are going to use the PSG money to fund a political campaign?

Berlusconi: People think I don’t care! You show me any other Club President that interrupts a training session by turning up by helicopter! Yes Arrigo used to find it annoying but i had to ensure my ideas were being followed! I have CCTV set up all over the Milanello training ground and have a direct telephone line into the San Siro dressing room which allows me to give the half time team talks, is this someone who doesn’t care about his club?!? As Prime Minister I can travel the globe and work as a football scout as well as a talent agent for modelling agencies! By taking the money from PSG what we have done is ensure the long term future of the club but you cant expect the public to keep up with you at times as there is a fine line between the genius and the crazy man and we all know which side I’m on, hence I am happy to be the martyr! We may now realistically be able to start thinking about a new stadium, have any of your readers realised this? Again, I’m simply ahead of the curve as I’ve always been, this is nothing new. The Berlusconi Stadium may be announced in a season or two! (winks)

Gianfranco: Wow, we heard it here first folks! Tell me, what was the reasoning to not sell Pato in January, from where I am standing if you sold the glass ducky we maybe could have fixed the financial situation and at least retained Zlatan?

Berlusconi: Pato? (sighs) Well he is a player who is currently turning up at my house on a weekly basis! Look. I’m a softie when it comes to my daughter. All Italian men are. A daughter is like a princess no? Her infatuation with Pato will pass as it simply reminds me of the time she wanted a pony so I bought her one. After she is done riding she will tire and move on. As for the pony, well, we had to have it shot after it broke its leg, so Pato had better be careful (laughs).

Gianfranco: What is this I hear about your son lusting after Andy Carroll, is it hard to let your daughter date a player and not get one for your son?

Berlusconi: (nervous cough) im a red blooded Italian male, just ask any of the interns in the office! My son has this penchant for big muscley men. I keep catching him watching that damned American wrestling! People are beginning to talk about him, they say he might be a fairy. He was also the reason we were once linked to Amauri! These are simply rumours Gianfranco and talk of Carroll should be ignored!

Gianfranco: You have had the pleasure of working with some of football’s greatest players and coaches, who were the top two at Milan for you?

Berlusconi: 2nd is hard. It’s a 3 way tie between Sacchio,Capello & Ancelotti. They were all good coaches who knew how to implement my ideas. The all time best Milan coach? Well I would modestly have to nominate myself! I have an understanding of football like no other owner. Have you seen my trophies? That’s actually my favourite pick up line when I meet a pretty 20 something, you’d be surprised how often it works! (laughs)

Gianfranco: How do you expect to win the election if you don’t reinvest in Milan, the key to your last victories was the votes of Milan tifosi. I don’t see that happening in the current climate.

Berlusconi: Ah, you’re referring to the fans who wanted their money back? It’s a bit premature seeing as we have not fully concluded business in the mercato no? We will always have these crazies! Italy is on the brink of financial collapse, half of Europe is. The smart tifosi don’t want to see you playing fast and lose with their club. The club is currently being insulated from any of the financial turmoil across Europe, it will take a few seasons but the fans will see why we did things in a certain way. The tifosi will also appreciate the financial stability, its what people want to see, they don’t want to know that my continual persecution will affect the club. My political enemies hate me because I’m popular with the ladies, good looking, funny and own the world’s most successful team!

Gianfranco: Thank you for your time, I’m sure my readers will take away a lot from your comments, Grazie.

Berlusconi: The pleasure was all mine, tell your readers to relax and smile more!

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